What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
That’s incredible! 👌
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what