If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
dads on road-trips be like
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today