FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I bet birds love this building.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My life coach traded me.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Sunday
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe