[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.