No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
where the womens at?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.