[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
worst…sale…ever
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Happy Taco Tuesday
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.