When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I’m tired tomorrow.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’