Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
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Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
The Joker was right
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids