Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
the red hot silly peppers
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]