[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
But is it really??
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”