the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
You Might Also Like
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
In banana years, I am bread.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.