Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
You Might Also Like
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
#parenting
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind