How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My kitchen overserved me.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral