Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
You Might Also Like
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?