I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!