Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.