*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
#FunnyLife Insects
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.