My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Can Happiness buy money?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.