100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.