Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
this country is so goddamn polarized
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?