Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My birthstone is kidney
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”