He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
new wife guy just dropped
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona