screw you
You Might Also Like
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
i wish all
whales
a very
big