Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
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Bloody internet 😳
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Meat Cute
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!