Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
You Might Also Like
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone