Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
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Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”