A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
back to work
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.