Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm