Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
You Might Also Like
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Dishonest mechanic?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”