me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”