ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Cndnsd Mlk
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
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Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours