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What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!