I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
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This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
english majors be like furthermore
Just a bush.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?