Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7