Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You Might Also Like
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Well, shit
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
🤣🤣🤣
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants