“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
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lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My work here is done
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.