Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Britain be like
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house