doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?