We cut our bangs at dawn.
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me :
All Day At Night