“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that