I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
This forever.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?