Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed