I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
sry
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.