I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Can’t. About to go please some beans
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need