*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.