Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Meow
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news