The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?