My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*limbos under the caution tape
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*