Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
You Might Also Like
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.