I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
It’s a gift
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…